Shaun Ivers: Certified Ocker
by therealmotherhecker
Summary: Sydney-3 is under attack and it's up to a certain bloke to save the day. Follow the adventures of Shaun Ivers; Australian Evangelion pilot extraordinaire.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** Hideaki Anno is a poofter.

The name's Shaun "Shithead Shauno" Ivers. I like bustin' heads, smokin' ciggies, drinkin' VB and rootin' sheilas. I'm what most would call an "alpha male." I don't take shit from any bloke. Ya get on me bad side and I'll put me foot where the sun don't shine.

A few years ago, me dad abandoned me after his main squeeze up and croaked. I was pretty young and me memories a' that sheila ain't all that great. Why would I call me mum "that sheila," you ask? Because I hardly remember her, I already made that clear. Whatever, Shithead Shauno don't need parents. I've lived in the outback for as long as I can remember, I ain't ever had a problem I couldn't solve with me head, me fists, or me dick.

Well, back to the present. I'd just recently arrived in a place called Sydney-3, and things were pretty nuts. First, I met some purple-haired slut. Probably gonna pump and dump her when I get some free time. She drove me to the headquarters of an organization called NERV. Ya see, me dad runs the joint. All the stuff there was pretty technical, don't ask me to explain it.

Before I forget, you're probably wonderin' what I looked like. Even if ya weren't, I'm gonna tell ya anyway. Me hair's sandy blonde, styled in a mullet. I wore a green cork hat, as well as some aviator sunglasses. There was a scar on me left cheek from a broken beer bottle. Got in a pub brawl a few years back. No worries, what happened to the cunt who glassed me was a lot worse.

Over me tanned torso was a blue singlet and draped over me shoulders the Aussie flag. As for me legs, they were covered by me black bathers. Oh, I was also wearin' blue thongs. Sorry I took so long explainin' all that shit, but ya gotta know how I looked. Wouldn't want ya to think I was some scrawny cunt wearin' a school uniform or somethin'.

The purple-haired bimbo, Michelle was the sheila's name I think, got lost. What a dumb slut, am I right? Eventually we ran into some other bimbo with obviously dyed blonde hair. Was she tryin' to impress me dad with that? Talk about desperate. I'm gettin' sidetracked here, so let me continue. After a while, we made it to a big dark room.

Dr. Richards, the fake blonde bimbo, turned the lights on revealin' a bloody huge robot. Oh, and me dad in some observation room. "Oi dad, cut the bullshit. Just gimme the skinny, why am I here?" I asked, not even botherin' to hide how pissed I was. This was cuttin' into me personal time.

"You are to pilot EVA unit 01."

"Ya mean that giant, purple robot? Why the fuck would I do that, dad? I got bigger prawns to fry." I pulled out a ciggy and lighter from one a' me pockets. After lightin' it, I noticed some glares from the bimbos. "What? Do ya have a no smokin' policy? Me dad runs this place, I can do what I bloody well want."

"We're more concerned over the fact that you're underaged." Michelle explained. "So, you're fine with me pilotin' some bleedin' robot to fight a genocidal monster, but ya draw the line at smokin'? Ya need to get your priorities in check." I smirked at their irritated faces. They were all looks and no brains. Dad probably kept 'em around for quick roots, the ol' horndog.

Dad spoke up. "You are the only one capable, Shaun. Either agree to pilot or leave. You're wasting both our time."

"Stop bein' a whingy cunt, dad. I _might_ agree to help ya, but what's in it for me?"

"You will be paid the standard salary for an EVA pilot, nothing more nothing less."

"That ain't gonna cut it." I removed the ciggy from me mouth. "If I'm the only one who can pilot that thing, shouldn't I be the one to make the terms?"

Dad sighed and glared at me. "We'll just use Blair. You're as worthless as ever, Shaun."

I lowered me shades to return the glare. "Get fucked, mate." I brought the ciggy to me mouth again, then put me hands in me pockets. I wanted to see this Blair fella. Size 'em up, see if they were as bonzer as me. What surprised me was she was just a teenage sheila, and she was on a hospital bed all wrapped up in bandages.

I won't fib, I wanted to root her. But I have me own rules of etiquette; I don't make passes at sheilas in intensive care. That's just weird, plus they can't really perform well. One thing I could say for sure though, if she recovered, I'd be all over that ass. Shortly after she was wheeled in, there was an earthquake; apparently caused by some monster terrorizin' the city. The Blair girl fell off her bed and I went to catch her, bein' the great bloke that I am.

"You're really gonna send a little crippled girl to fight your battles, dad? Ya daft cunt." The comment seemed to get under his skin, because I swear he scowled for a sec. "Are you going to leave or not?" Dad asked.

"If she's me replacement, then I guess I gotta do what I gotta do. I'll kick that monster's ass. I ain't a coward like you, dad." I then put out me ciggy with me tongue, threw it on the floor, and stomped it. No monster, no matter how big, was a match for Shithead Shauno.

We went through some preliminary bullshit that isn't really worth explainin'. After that I was sent up an elevator, and met face to face with the monster, or "angel" as these people called it. Didn't look like no angel to me. Looked kinda like a plague doctor or somethin'. Closin' me eyes, I quickly whispered a prayer.

"Standing at the limit of an endless ocean, stranded like a runaway, lost at sea. City on a rainy day down in the harbour, watching as the grey clouds shadow the bay. Looking everywhere 'cause I had to find you, this is not the way that I remember it here. Anyone will tell you it's a prisoner island, hidden in the summer for a million years."

With that said and done, me eyes shot open, and I shouted: "Great Southern Land!" I'm a devout Icehouse fan I should have ya know. "Alright, enough a' that. Listen up, Sydney-3! Shithead Shauno's here to kick some angel ass!"

Because I'm such a mad cunt, me "synch ratio" or whatever it's called was bloody impressive. I rushed up to that angel fucker and shivved him with me knife. Little bitch just screamed and tried to attack, but it was too slow. I dodged every move it made and lunged at its core, a red orb thingy.

"From hell's heart, I stab at thee, ya bloody cunt!" As ya can tell, I'm a pretty well-read bloke. I stabbed it a few times and the thing continued to scream, before grabbin' me and self-destructin'.

Strewth! Talk about a rough day at work.

* * *

 **Yank Translation Guide:**

Poofter: Faggot

VB: Victoria Bitter

Root: Fuck

Sheila: Lady

Singlet: Sleeveless shirt

Bathers: Swimsuit, in the context of this chapter, specifically swimming trunks

Thongs: Flip flops

Prawn: Shrimp

Strewth: God's truth


	2. Chapter 2

**Surfin' Shin: Certified Dude**

 **Disclaimer:** Hideaki Anno is a shoobie.

The name's Shinji "Surfin' Shin" Ikari. I like hangin' at the beach, ridin' waves, shreddin' on the guitar and chattin' up the babes. I'm what most would call a gnarly dude. I'm usually pretty friendly but get on my bad side and I'll trash you in a surfin' contest.

A few years ago, my daddy-o abandoned me after my mom died. I was pretty young and my memories of her ain't all that great. Whatever, Surfin' Shin doesn't need parents. I've lived on the beach for as long as I can remember, I ain't ever had a problem I couldn't solve with my head, my guitar, or my surfboard.

Well, back to the present. I'd just recently arrived in a place called Tokyo-3, and things were pretty nuts. First, I met some purple-haired babe. Probably gonna get to know her when I have some free time. She drove me to the headquarters of an organization called NERV. You see, my daddy-o runs the joint. All the stuff there was pretty technical, don't ask me to explain it.

Before I forget, you're probably wonderin' what I looked like. Even if you weren't, I'm gonna tell you anyway. My hair's dark brown, kinda unkempt. I wore a pair of aviator sunglasses and over my white t-shirt was a red Hawaiian shirt. Instead of pants, I wore some blue swimming trunks. Oh, I was also barefoot.

Sorry I took so long explainin' all that, but you gotta know how I looked. Wouldn't want you to think I was some dorky shoobie or somethin'.

The purple-haired babe, Misato was her name I think, got lost. Not the brightest bulb, was she? Eventually we ran into some other babe with obviously dyed blonde hair. Was she tryin' to impress my daddy-o with that? Talk about desperate. I'm gettin' sidetracked here, so let me continue. After a while, we made it to a big dark room.

Ritsuko, the fake blonde babe, turned the lights on revealin' a huge robot. Oh, and my daddy-o in some observation room. "Hey daddy-o, be straight with me. Why am I here?" I asked, not even botherin' to hide how irritated I was. This was cuttin' into my surfin' time.

"You are to pilot EVA unit 01."

"You mean that giant, purple robot? Why the heck would I do that, daddy-o? I got bigger fish to fry." I pulled out a popsicle from one of my pockets. After unwrappin' it, I noticed some glares from the babes. "What? Do you have a no popsicle policy? My daddy-o runs this place, I can do what I want."

"We're more concerned over the fact that you had a popsicle in your pocket." Misato explained. "So, you're fine with me pilotin' some crazy robot to fight a genocidal monster, but you draw the line at pocket popsicles? You babes need to get your priorities in check." I smirked at their irritated faces. They were all looks and no brains. Pops probably kept 'em around for calendar shoots, the old corndog.

Pops spoke up. "You are the only one capable, Shinji. Either agree to pilot or leave. You're wasting both our time."

"Stop bein' a buzzkill, daddy-o. I _might_ agree to help you, but what's in it for me?"

"You will be paid the standard salary for an EVA pilot, nothing more nothing less."

"That ain't gonna cut it." I removed the popsicle from my mouth. "If I'm the only one who can pilot that thing, shouldn't I be the one to make the terms?"

Pops sighed and glared at me. "We'll just use Rei. You're as worthless as ever, Shinji."

I lowered my shades to return the glare. "Get bent, old man." I brought the popsicle to my mouth again, then put my hands in my pockets. I wanted to see this Rei person. Size 'em up, see if they were as tubular as me. What surprised me was she was just a teenage girl, and she was on a hospital bed all wrapped up in bandages.

I won't lie, I wanted to get to know her better. I mean, she was a total babe; blue hair, red-eyes, and a great figure. I wouldn't mind sharin' a milkshake with her. Shortly after she was wheeled in, there was an earthquake; apparently caused by some monster terrorizin' the city. The Rei girl fell off her bed and I went to catch her, bein' the radical dude I am.

"You're really gonna send an injured girl to fight your battles, daddy-o? You're even worse than a shoobie." The comment seemed to get under his skin, because I swear he scowled for a sec. "Are you going to leave or not?" Daddy-o asked.

"If she's my replacement, then I guess I gotta do what I gotta do. I'll kick that monster's butt. I ain't a scaredy-cat like you, daddy-o." I then finished my popsicle, threw the stick on the floor, and kicked it aside. No monster, no matter how big, was a match for Surfin' Shin.

We went through some preliminary stuff that isn't really worth explainin'. After that I was sent up an elevator, and met face to face with the monster, or "angel" as these people called it. Didn't look like no angel to me. Looked kinda like a plague doctor or somethin'. Closin' my eyes, I quickly whispered a prayer.

"Well East coast girls are hip, I really dig those styles they wear. And the Southern girls with the way they talk, they knock me out when I'm down there. The Midwest farmer's daughters really make you feel alright. And the Northern girls with the way they kiss, they keep their boyfriends warm at night."

With that said and done, my eyes shot open and I shouted: "I wish they all could be California girls!" I'm a devout Beach Boys fan I should have you know. "Alright, enough of that. Listen up dudes and dudettes of Tokyo-3! Surfin' Shin's here to kick some angel butt!"

Because I'm such a radical dude, my "synch ratio" or whatever it's called was way impressive. I rushed up to that angel jabroni and stabbed him with my knife. Little shoobie just screamed and tried to attack, but it was too slow. I dodged every move it made and lunged at its core, a red orb thingy.

"From hell's heart, I stab at thee, you goshdarn lame-o!" As you can tell, I'm a pretty well-read dude. I stabbed it a few times and the thing continued to scream, before grabbin' me and self-destructin'.

Most heinous.


	3. Chapter 3

**therealmotherhecker: Certified Fanfiction Writer**

 **Disclaimer:** Hideaki Anno is a human being.

The name's Clint "therealmotherhecker" Eastwood. No relation to that other Clint Eastwood. I like writin' fanfics, pettin' puppies, drinkin' root beer and pretendin' I'm married to Rei Ayanami. I'm what most would call an "alpha male." I don't take flak from anyone. Ya get on my bad side and I'll probably grumble about it and do nothing.

Somehow, I ended up in the body of Shinji Ikari. A few years ago, his pops abandoned him after his main squeeze up and croaked. He was pretty young and his memories a' that broad weren't all that great. Whatever, therealmotherhecker is in charge now, and I don't need parents. I've lived on the streets of Camden, New Jersey for as long as I can remember. I ain't ever had a problem I couldn't solve with my head, my fists, or my… uh, insightful rhetoric? Wait, that falls under the umbrella of head, doesn't it?

I was in Tokyo-3, and things were pretty nuts. First, I met Misato, you all know who she is. Probably gonna end up livin' with her like Shinji did. She drove me to the headquarters of NERV; Y'know, God's in his Heaven and all that jazz. All the stuff there was pretty technical, don't ask me to explain it.

Before I forget, yer probably wonderin' what I looked like. Even if ya weren't, I'm gonna tell ya anyway. I looked like a scrawny punk wearin' a school uniform. Because as you know, that's what Shinji looks like.

Misato got lost. Yada yada dumb slut. Eventually we ran into Ritsuko. Fake blonde hair, mole etc. etc. I'm gettin' sidetracked here, so let me continue. After a while, we made it to a big dark room.

Ritsuko turned the lights on revealin' unit 01. Oh, and Gendo and Fuyutsuki in some observation room. "Hey Gen-dad, cut the bologna. Just gimme the skinny, why am I here?" I asked, more concerned about how long it would be until I met Rei.

"You are to pilot EVA unit 01."

"Ya mean that giant, purple robot? Why the heck would I do that, dad? I got bigger fish to fry." I pulled out a yo-yo from one a' my pockets. I played around with it and started whistling. Noticing some looks from the Ritsuko and Misato, I said: "What? Do ya have a no yo-yo policy? My dad runs this place, I can do what I want."

"We're more concerned over the fact that you're underaged." Misato explained. "So, yer fine with me pilot-Wait, underage? It's a yo-yo."

"Exactly, and you're not 21 yet." Ritsuko walked up to me and yanked the yo-yo from my hand, then carefully placed it in the pocket of her lab coat. Before I could retaliate, Gendo spoke up. "You are the only one capable, Shinji. Either agree to pilot or leave. You're wasting both our time."

"Stop bein' a jerkwad, dad. I _might_ agree to help ya, but what's in it for me?"

"You will be paid the standard salary for an EVA pilot, nothing more nothing less."

"That ain't gonna cut it." I reached for Ritsuko's lab coat, but she slapped my hand away. "If I'm the only one who can pilot that thing, shouldn't I be the one to make the terms?"

Gendo sighed and glared at me. "We'll just use Rei. You're as worthless as ever, Shinji."

I began to blush and started twiddling my fingers. Golly, I was gonna meet Rei! _The_ Rei Ayanami; hands down the most immaculate female specimen, fictional or real. I wasn't gonna blow it like Shinji and act like a wishy-washy loser. Rei was gonna be mine. I'd treat her like the goddess she is. I'd give her hugs, kisses, foot rubs, back massages. I'd cook for her, pay for all her expenses… hell, let's just say I'd do anything to make her feel loved and appreciated.

Shortly after she was wheeled in on that gurney, there was an earthquake; caused by good ol' Sachiel. Unit 01 outstretched its arm to protect us and Rei fell off her bed. Obviously, I went to catch her, bein' the gentleman I am.

"Yer really gonna send this, this… delicate flower to fight yer battles, dad? Ya piece a' trash." The comment seemed to get under his skin, because I swear he scowled for a sec. "Are you going to leave or not?" Gendo asked.

"If she's my replacement, then I guess I gotta do what I gotta do. I'll kick that monster's butt. I ain't a coward like you, dad." I kissed Rei on the cheek then folded my arms. No angel was a match for therealmotherhecker.

I'll skip over the technical details because nobody cares about that malarkey. After that I was sent up an elevator and met face to face with Sachiel. Closin' my eyes, I quickly whispered a prayer.

"I am the very model of a modern Major-General. I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral. I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical. From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical. I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical. I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical. About binomial theorem I am teeming with a lot o' news. With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse."

I took a breath.

"I'm very good at integral and differential calculus. I know the scientific names of beings animalculous. In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral. I am the very model of a modern Major-General."

And another breath.

"I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc. I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox. I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus. In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous. I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies. I know the croaking chorus from The Frogs of Aristophanes! Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore. And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense _Pinafore_."

Yet another breath.

"Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform. And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform. In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral. I am the very model of a modern Major-General."

How many times do I have to say I took a breath?

"In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin." When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a Javelin. When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at. And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat." When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery. When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery. In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy. You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee."

I had to breathe, you get the picture.

"For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury. Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century. But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral. I am the very model of a modern Major-General."

With that said and done, my eyes shot open. I'm a devout Gilbert and Sullivan fan I should have ya know. "Alright, enough a' that. Listen up, Tokyo-3! Therealmotherhecker's here to kick some angel butt!"

Because I'm such a bad dude, my "synch ratio" or whatever it's called was darn impressive. I rushed up to Sachiel and shivved him with my knife. Little weenie just screamed and tried to attack, but he was too slow. I dodged every move he made and lunged at his core.

"From heck's heart, I stab at thee, bunghole!" As ya can tell, I'm a pretty well-read fella. I stabbed him a few times and he continued to scream, before grabbin' me and self-destructin'.

Who didn't see that coming?


End file.
